I've been a bit down lately. The stress of work, balancing home life, and taking care of the kids is taking a toll on me. I don't really know how to handle it, so as usual my own needs are being put aside. Adit was traveling for work recently leaving me to manage the kids at night. Claire slept the first night, but didn't the two other nights. She fell asleep early around 7, but woke up at 9 the first night and 8:30 the second. This was so early and left no "me" time. I bet you're thinking I had almost 2 hours of me time, but you would be wrong because during most of that time I was preparing James for bed. I need that time to do baby dishes, tidy up, watch mindless tv, do some work, etc and if I don't have it I feel out of whack.
At first I didn't think that Claire waking up at 8:30 or 9:00 was an issue because I could nurse and put her back to sleep. Boy was I wrong. Both nights I tried that. After nursing she was still awake. So then I changed her diaper and tried rocking her to sleep. That didn't work either. Then I began walking around the room with her. It took 3 hours each night and she still wouldn't sleep. She kept crying, I tried burping, patting her, comforting her by gently rocking and singing. Nothing seemed to work. Eventually I took her to bed with me and we both slept while she nursed. Claire has been sleeping in bed with us every night since I started working. I just can't manage waking up at night so this option works. It's not a comfy way to sleep, but it keeps me sane.
The reason I've been feeling down is because I'm feeling the pressure of balancing all of this when Adit is away. Luckily he is home now but there was a time when he was gone every week for 3-4 days at a time. It wears on you. It was ok when I was on maternity leave but now it's not ideal. I understand that he needs to travel at times, but it makes my job twice as hard.
Part of me feels guilty for even writing this because I'm "complaining" about my children. I'm just stretched a little thin right now, but that's ok because it's temporary. I had a terrible week, but the good news is that it's over. I'm looking forward to the coming weeks as well as celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I needed to vent and I shared my feelings with Adit and now to you all. I think it's important to recognize that we can't do it all and that there are going to be moments of vulnerability. What's important is to keep it in perspective and remember that the baby is growing everyday and things will get better.
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do things aren't going your way? That's how I've been feeling, but things are getting better. (I write this as Claire woke up every 2 hours last night, lol)
Happy reading!
Rachel
PS: Thanks to those of you who gave me encouragement on my last post where I wrote about nursing. My goal is to solely nurse Claire until she's drinking cows' milk, so at least a year. It didn't feel like it would be possible the other day, but now things are looking up again. It's strange how we feel mommy guilt and think that we are failing our children by offering them formula. I think that we need to do what's best for the child, but also ourselves. Formula is sometimes seen as the new F-word in society, but it shouldn't be. As long as the child and you are happy, that's all that matters.
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